Musings When I Want To Give Up Hope Because Hope Hurts

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Psalms 27:13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!

Biblical hope includes three things: wanting something from God, wrestling with God for it, and waiting in anticipation until I get it. Biblical hope wants, wrestles, and waits eagerly for the Lord to give the thing while I am still in the land of the living. God does not promise to me that I will have all I want while in the land of the living. But the problem with that is I do not know what things he will withhold till eternity, and which he will not. I do not know.

As my family and I have been through trauma over the past 4.5 years, I am seeing it is easy to have a hatred of hope. If faith, hope and love remain; but the greatest of these is love. Then I can fall down the hill and say, but the worst of these is hope. Hope hurts. Hope keeps you feeling. Hope see’s your beloved wife cry and cry and cry, till all the tears dry up. Hope disappoints. After all, a disappointment is missing an appointment. And Biblical hope anticipates God will keep appointments with me and the fact is that I have trusted him to show up at many appointments which he has not shown up at. He has left me and my family waiting until all we could do is head home with our heads down. Hope hurts. And so the tendency is to become cynical with myself and think I am wanting something too much and so begin to kill the desire for the thing I have been hoping God for. Or I can despair by thinking I am just not in tune with the Lord’s will and must be so foolish to never get my prayers right. This kills hope as well. Hope can also slip into optimism which is not hope at all. Optimism gives up the strength of the desire, and gives up the wrestling match with God way before the bell rings. My prayers begin dying from all their original emotion and end in the Christian phrase about if it is the Lord’s will. Wait, it is the Lord’s will that all people get saved right? Maybe I read that wrong. Maybe I’ll end the match early. Maybe I’ll give up hoping because it is just so hard.

Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I have a fight left in me. Maybe I am willing to feel again. Maybe I am willing to hurt again. Maybe I can be disappointed with God one more time and rise my emotions and innermost wants from the dead corner of my heart and see what he does. Hope wrestles with God till the morning breaks when he knocks out your hip joint so you will finally quit. Hope persists on the judge’s door till justice is finally served. Hope keeps coming till all breath, all strength, and all love are done. Where else can I go? You Jesus have the words of life.

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