Proverbs 30:2-4 Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I have not the understanding of a man. I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One. Who has ascended to heaven and come down? Who has gathered the wind in his fists? Who has wrapped up the waters in a garment? Who has established all the ends of the earth? What is his name, and what is his son’s name? Surely you know!
Men typically don’t sit around and discuss how stupid they are, nor of how little they actually understand. But when I sit here with Agur the son of Jakeh in the quietness of the morning, I agree with him wholeheartedly. This man pens thirty-three verses that are written in Proverbs chapter thirty, and he tells me that he is too stupid to be a man, nor has he the understanding of a man. He has not learned wisdom, nor gained the knowledge of the Holy One. Yet the words from his pen are filled with wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. If he is too stupid to be a man, how much farther down the scale am I.
There was a season in my Christian walk where I found it easy to boast about what I knew. I fed myself the Scriptures, christian books, and multiple sermons every day. I wouldn’t have thought of myself as proud back then, but looking back I do see it now. My family was young, healthy and had never endured a season of suffering. Today we are a much different family, and I am a different man. We have suffered the loss of miscarriage, and carrying a baby girl with trisomy 13 for eight months named Mercy. It has been two years since her birth and death, and my family has yet to recover. We have gone through the darkness of horrific rebellion, physical sickness, disunity, and tasted evil. We are still in the valley, and I have not wanted to write for the past year. I have not wanted to search my heart, and process what is carved on the trees in the valley of the shadow of death. It’s dark in the darkness, and sometimes much easier to just be alone. O the world keeps spinning, and life must happen, but that doesn’t mean darkness cannot become somewhat comfortable.
Psalms 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
It is time for me to rise up and look for the One holding the rod and the staff. I have seen the hand of God amidst our trials, but I have not looked deeply and truly seen what I think I am meant to see. I write so that I know what I think. I have been uncertain as to what I think because I have not been writing. I intended to begin writing again when all was good, but now I don’t think that is what I am meant to do. I have been too stupid to be a man, and have not gained understanding. I have not learned wisdom, nor truly gained the knowledge of the Holy One. But I will look to the One with answers. I will open my eyes in the darkness and look for the “Son”. For he has ascended to the heavens. He has gathers the wind in his fists, wraps up the waters in a garment, and has established the ends of the earth! Where else can I go?